with the windows open

and there was all of that time and it was all used up
and there were all of those beautiful beating hearts added to the we
and then there was the shock of the great sad loss
and then there were us we
and the quiet
and sitting in the quiet
and leaning into the quiet
because the crazy noise of to dos and shoulds had gone
all gone
far away gone
like two states away gone
and then just like that the crazy noise was three doors down
and there was the crazy half dozen we
and we were standing
and we were thriving
and we are still
 and we are still

See sea essay core bin

would that the confusion be reconciled
the harsh sad waste not a waste
the years pining not a loss

free school

you used me

amazing and fresh and nondenominational
you neglected me
alienated me
faith giant failed to fill me in
then left to grow up alone

on my own
to learn to care for woman´s body

on my own
to care for infant´s needs

on my own
to navigate bureaucracy of welfare
the failure of the oneness
the weight of mental illness

the aftershocks of neglect

handouts

to fill needs faith giant failed to meet
faith failed to fill
fake faith failed to fill

and the na...cy and the ch....ea and the me....an and the me and the then and the now

And married at twenty.
And baby at twenty one.
And another in twenty one months.
And another two years later.
Maybe that's when her oneness was completed.
Six, maybe seven years after vows.



After hours.
In the irrelevant darkness spread between bedroom walls
Cockeyed passers by disregarding voiced pain
voiced agony
voiced loneliness
Meddlesome naysayers and bandage quips
overachieving in laws and unattainable standards
whose standards?
Mediocre marriage between mediocre bedsheets
sagging now unrecognizable milk producing nurturer

spread open wide, dear submissive
open to act and do and be and act until quality feeling fills the sheets
Fills the void
the lie of the better
the lie of the soapbox

irrelevant naysayer held reverently above impractical practicality
now gray
now white
now gray
now white

boxed in
in boxed house
manufactured to house life and smiles and cooking and eating and love making

seclusion breeds opportunity

opportunity to question
opportunity to run
run far
run far
to the backwards had been
revolting not now been
dear submissive tempted now to run
run from the faith
run from the gray now white now gray now white

now disqualified with quips of knowing better than thou
better than the brokenness
better than the now
why ask how
dear submissive
dear seclusive
elusive reclusive diabolical questioner of the faith
questioner of the emphatic

realistically seeing the reality of the being in the madness never seeing

but the brow and the beating
and the meeting of the quipping and whipping mental furor into mad fury
fury at self
fury at self
at elusive submissive
elusive submissive at high cost of life

snatched away laughter
hope of respectability
hope of in-loving kindness
in love-ability
ability
utility

utilitarian though you seem to not be the backhanded equalizer suppressing madness temper

Tempted to cope
tempted to flee backwards to inexplicable ridiculous radical

hold me down longer
loving sad view
hold me down harder

run from the now white now gray
make fun with the freedom of the boxed in box maker
laughter taker
for small money maker

eunuch drone worker
enabling free for frees sake
for sayings sake
for others knowing sake

high calling to poverty ignoring true need unfulfilling unequally maker
marriage breaker
oneness breaker
promise breaker
fail
fail
fail

that book and heroin

I'm never gonna read that boring boring book.

Is it called successful ministry when your heart breaks a thousand times over? When a depth you forgot existed cries out for miracles?
Would that there would be a miracle!

Family Room

Slumber sweet tiny nothing
worries melt away
in gentle rolling waves
Bliss relaxing the day away

Rush in stinging pit in gut
Panic throwing mini upright

Alone

Alone

Alone

respite has run away
   slumber ripped out of grasp

Momma's gone again.

Sneaky Momma, where've you gone?
Off to buy a six pack
 
      slurred laughter trumps pain.