I want to get away

That I'd be able to see that there is no somewhere where this will be easier. That an answer isn't going to be found somewhere out there. Somewhere where things are quiet. At a retreat. A getaway. A hiding place. But here with me. There is peace here with me. Here with me now is grace to be kind. Grace to be quiet. Grace to be. There's no where to go to where this peace will surpass understanding. Just the  now. Just the here. Just the me and the You and all the in between happening driving up to madness. That the escape and hiding place rests now. Here. Within the loudness of toddler needy babble. Within the bickering of stir crazy too close siblings. Within the now where later is too late. Where here and now all things are chaos and noise and mess. Where the schedule is a restricting mental body bind and all things are sketchy and fuzzy and jumbled. And maybe if I close my eyes long enough and think that all the quiet and peace is at hand, set strongly within me, that the ability to be quiet, to be a comfort and not another stressor, and to be still and desire nothing but to be in the here and the now where there is need and comfort that abounds and abounds all the greater with my very desperate need, then that in the here and the now all that is grace and peace would fill in the frustration of my lack.

to the single college kids causing me to doubt the value of my large family so young:

now 31
racing past the prime



and who taught and modeled the right way to be adult?
and who taught and modeled the drive to be more than you were?




And now these prizes
people past able to be value placed
these people fill cramped living spaces with their coughs and laughs and boogers and jokes

with their smiles with snaggle teeth and hearts full to burst with ability
to love
to grow
to develop all genetics passed down to them


now too big to be so small
too tall to crawl into lap
too heavy to tackle

associates
bachelors
masters
doctorate


tiny broken full heart
your full mexican american heart to love
to heal now that lost simplicity of childhood
sensitive to small
too quick to figure out
not willing to conform to now any mold
now too bold
these to comfort
not papers to type
not goals to achieve
loans to pay
dorms in which to stay
now piles of bills to pay
every day
my treasure now hidden in four small beating hearts

and that is enough
yes
that is enough

almost time

for their unapologetic shouts
    accompanied by unapologetic bouts
of raucous loosly goosely questions
for tired hangy wangy ears
lord too old to feel this bold
quiet bubbly troubly musty thoughts

think fast tiny mommy for the three plus the one
and the door stuck to shun
shun your fun
shun your fun
shun your fun