question the wonder

the balance between believing and doing
between words read and things practiced
sacrifice need be shown through actions
actions unable to take flight for fear
for fear of the backlash
for fear of the not having
not having the needs met as the overdue bills file in
come in
traipse in
have no idea how the unrest and uneasiness will play out
how the questions will be answered
dismissed to the core in light of the anger
in light of the pain
the embarrassment
the harassment
the no-good-thing-can-come-of-you attitude
should thoughts and questions be squashed for the presence of the anger?
do these questions base themselves in anger? in embarrassment?

smiling gentle coos smile the heart
lift the eyebrows furled in deep thought
deep thought of abstract
of doing and thinking
wonder where the wonder will wander to

Grinch Stole Mexico

Blame you. The thing you didn't do. The words you didn't say. The words you said that haunt and steal and creep and eat. Gonna delight in your weakness. Gonna smile when you admit defeat. Oh, the surety of the leader. Spouting words of wisdom. Pleading to the we to answer searching questions. Hate the let's. Hate the we's. Hate the what if we's. The commands to think and question inspire and motivate along with every wave of thought crazy brain thinks up. You crazy. So I smile at your weakness because I saw it coming. I am smug in your difficulty because your pride was evident. Because you put me down and ruined a part of me. Because you failed. I took the blame and hated myself. Surely no one could say such things without there being some validity to them! But you did it 'cause you crazy. For how you judge me, I don't like you. For how you disregard me, I don't like you. For how you preach instead of invest in your divine romance, I don't like you.

I smile. 

I smile because I'm right. I smile because you were wrong. 

I don't think I can help it now. I choose not to put up with that crap. I choose to stand up for myself when rude passive aggressive comments are directed at me. I look out for that poison now. I don't care if there may be a better way to do this, that, or the other, don't be rude because I'm quiet. Don't be rude to make yourself feel better and more snug. Don't say what doesn't need to be said to me. I'm not your clay. I'm not your project, your child, or your student. I will react to your disrespect and it will set me off. 

Had I fallen into and remained in my place of self loathing, self depreciative, thou art worthy servitude, I may have continued to be quiet and pining. I'm gonna break free of the power given to your words. Beak free of the condescension of your platitudes. 

I am not simple. 

I am not slow. 

I am not a less then. 

I am not lazy. 

I am not ill equipped. 

I am not uncaring. 

I am not your charity. 

I am not less intelligent. 

You would benefit from shutting up and learning to listen to what I have to say when I choose to speak. There is experience there. There is perspective there. There is value there. 

Remember to shut up and listen. 

Would you shut up and listen? Not to only hear your own pride and folly, but shut up to observe and absorb all that doesn't come from you. To value not you. 

Value not you because I won't value you.