oh the anger

There are so many thoughts throughout the day.
Things I think.
I'd like to change a thing.
I'd like to let her know that the weirdness ruined that night to be.
I am not planning to attend.

And I've decided that I don't care.
No, I don't care.
Don't care if my opinion is the best, original, or regurgitated mess.
Can I just own my opinion in the midst of all the words.
So. Many. Words.
Because it's better than, it's less than. Less than equipped to love. Less than equipped to equip.
Do I care to be equipped? Do I care to be accepted?
All. Those. Words.
They're not for me. Not for me to soak in. Just for me to see and not hear.

"You know how to turn on the coffee pot, don't you?"

Talk like that and I'm driven away.

"Your mom forgot to tell you we don't wrestle in our house."

Talk like that and I'd like to slap some face.

"I'm so busy I can't handle all of this planning. And you're bothering me in the middle of the day. And there are these panic attacks. You do it. Say what?! Just kidding, I was just waiting on this one thing to line up. I'm on it. It's going to be a fabulous time. And are you coming to the par-tay?"

Not planning on it.

Well isn't it lovely that you are happy to not be me.

I'm gonna get away from that nasty and find a way to be accepted and not made to feel less than.
Yea, just away.

See me standing on these two feet? See me not in a mental hospital or bar or jail? See me loving my kids in my weak and flailing way? See my marriage not trashed and trust not lost but growing? I'd like some vindication. I'd like to hear you jealous of what I am, not you.
Oh, I'm so glad I'm not you....if I were that busy.
So glad I'm not you. I'd kill myself if I were that crazy. And how are the foreigners? Have you saved any? Or did you realize how selfish you are? Did you catch on to how unloving you are? How what you thought was hospitality wasn't?